


Giant, Hopping Green Spellcasters

by Dillian



Category: Incredible Hulk (2008), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Brotherhood, Daddy Monster!, Daddy/Mommy Monster!, Fatherhood, Genderswap, Hulk Has Mad Skills, Kid Fic, M/M, Mindless Bestiality, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-29
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 06:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the grand tradition of Loki and the horse, and Loki and the wolf, comes this epic tale of the God of Chaos' encounter with another mindless beast.  As before, there are offspring...</p><p>Please bear with me.  This is very much a work in progress.  I have the perfect mental image in my head of where I am going with this, and what the outcome should be.  Whether I can trap that in words or not remains another matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The After-Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drinking was Tony's idea. The destruction of his living room? Not so much.

Movie casts have after-parties, thanks to Tony Stark, the Avengers do too. It only makes sense, right? You're tired, your reserves are depleted. What better way to rest up than to let off a little steam? Stopping a full invasion by Doom-bots in Chicago isn't easy, and when our the World's Greatest Heroes get back to Stark Tower, they deserve a little R&R.

That's what Tony thinks anyway. The others take a little persuading. Thor's easy, now that he's laid in a good stock of mead – You can get that in Midgard. Thor was quite surprised when he found out, but Tony wasn't. You can get anything if you're willing to pay enough. – and Clint's not that hard either. He says an assassin only needs his mind clear when he's on a mission. Cap says he's not scared to drink anything anywhere, because Captain America can't get drunk, and Natasha's in when she sees the Stoli (not that girly, flavored shit; real Russians take their vodka straight). It's Bruce who's the hard sell. He always hates doing anything that will mess with his mental balance, for obvious reasons of course. But even he's in just for a couple of beers, just enough to take the edge off.

The problem is, your edge goes off awfully fast unless you've built up some tolerance. They're all sitting around watching some shit-superhero movie from Disney. The table's covered with snacks, and there's booze enough for everyone. Bruce is matching the rest of them drink-for-drink, and so what if it's just Bud Light. After about six of them, the guy is schwasted.

Then everything else sort of blurs. Tony remembers the part where Clint and Natasha wander off toward her bedroom. So, they're an item? That's sort of cute. He remembers the part where it suddenly occurs to him that you know who else is cute? That would be the Captain, who's in civilian clothes now, with those big muscles of his sort of bulging out from the short sleeves of his polo shirt, and that blond hair of his mussed. Apparently Captain America _can_ get drunk, either that or he's been harboring a secret flame for him for a long time, because when Tony starts kissing him, the Captain kisses him right back.

After that... Well that was all she wrote as far as Tony remembers. One minute the penthouse is emptying out, as various members of the team go off and pitch sweet woo to each other, the next minute he's waking up in the Captain's bed with a big, muscle-y arm on top of his head and a vague memory of having to explain to Cap exactly what men _do_ with each other.

Apparently Cap was pretty good at it once he got the idea though, because Tony's ass is hurting like a sonuvabitch (but in a _good_ way, if you get my meaning) as he gets out of bed and makes his way sleepily toward the kitchen. He gets out into the living room, and then... Holy fucking shit!

It looks like a bomb went off in here. The windows are all smashed, and the furniture is broken. The bottles from last night are little shards of glass now, and they're everywhere, along with smashed bits from the last of the snacks. And in the middle of all the destruction, what does he see, but two men cuddled close together, apparently sleeping off the most epic drunk of their lives.

One of them's Bruce. The other... So help him, please tell him he's imagining things: – Or he's still drunk from last night; Tony's never been in a situation where being blind-drunk would be more of an advantage than now. – The other one looks just like Thor's brother Loki.

“Oh shit.”

Neither of them wakes up. Loki stirs a little in his sleep, turning, pillowing himself better on top of Bruce's arm. “Green,” he murmurs sleepily. “Mmmindless ...beast...”

Tony walks gingerly into the kitchen, careful to avoid all the broken glass Loki – And Hulk! Oh fuck, but it's got to have been him, right? – has seen fit to scatter around. He starts some coffee brewing, feeling desperate for the caffeine. Then he goes down the hall and starts looking into bedrooms, until he finds the one where Thor's crashed out. He shakes the big guy awake.

“Loki?” You've got to be jealous of Asgardians, who can apparently get epically hammered and then wake up fresh as a daisy in the morning. There's no gap of time where Thor's rubbing his eyes and mumbling; one minute Tony's shaking him on the shoulder, and the next, he's sitting up and answering his questions. “He was put under house-arrest,” he says. “Father told him he would not be released until he was ready to make amends for what he did, and the last time I saw my brother,” he says looking sad, “he said that would not be until Hel freezes over. Why do you ask?”

Tony doesn't _tell_ him, he _shows_ him. Thor looks at the two sleepers cuddled among the destruction of what was once a beautiful living room. “Indeed,” he says, “that is Loki.”

“Do tell me that's coffee?” Loki stirs, rubbing sleep-blurred green eyes. “The one thing Midgard does really well. And I am sure the wealthy philanthropist and part-time metal-suited warrior will have coffee surpassing that of mere ordinary mortals.” He sits up, looking as bright and energetic as his brother. “Good morning, Stark,” he says. “I came to get that drink you promised me.”


	2. Loki's Abortive Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What he _wants_ to do is join the Avengers. Here's what happens instead.

“Oh Thor,” – Incredibly, they're sitting down together now, at the barely-intact dining room table, and sipping cups of Fair-Trade Sumatran (except for Thor, who's having mead). – “You've always been dim, but please tell me you weren't taken in by my intransigence?” Loki's voice is as suave as always, and his superior attitude doesn't seem to have changed much. “I was angry yes, surely you can understand that, but it did not take long for me to cool down and think things through logically. What good does it do me to set myself against all the Nine Realms? What will I gain by that? The Midgardians have just claim against me, – By the way, what _do_ you have to eat here?” He looks up at Stark for a moment, interjecting. “I find myself famished after last night. – I would settle my debt with Midgard though, as I was saying, and for reasons of my own, I think that would best be done by assisting your group, _Earth's Mightiest Heroes_ , I believe you call yourselves?”

Yeah, and he believes that, Tony thinks. Some phrasing about lies so big he could drive a Stark truck through them is going through his head, when Thor speaks, interrupting them.

“Your powers,” he says. “Surely Father did not allow you to keep them when you came to Midgard?”

“My Aesir powers?” Loki smiles. “Oh no, even Odin would not be such a fool as to leave me with those. The old fool forgot though, my true heritage endows me with others. Those remain intact.”

“What does that mean?” Tony asks Thor.

“It means he can create ice-weapons.” Thor's eying his brother warily.

Ice weapons... Great. “I'll just be calling SHIELD now,” Tony says. “If it's all the same with you two.”

“Do not.” Thor takes his arm. “I can handle my brother.”

“That's okay thanks, really.” He pulls his Stark-phone out of his pocket, hits the Speed-Dial for Fury. “I haven't cleaned up from the last fight in here. I don't want any others, even if you do win.”

“Fight?” Loki says brightly. “There was no fight.” He stretches, smiling, almost _purring_. “I was merely getting acquainted with one member of your team.”

“Doctor Banner and I will be happy to clean up in here,” Loki continues, while Tony and his brother stare at each other in horror. “I'm sure he'll be happy to. I would have cleaned up myself already, had my Aesir powers been available to me. As it is though, I'm sorry.” He shrugs, miming great regret. “The Jotun have many powers, but I'm afraid rebuilding broken furniture is not one of them. Your beast by the way,” he adds, “he is good at other things besides smashing.”

\--------------------

“You're telling me that psychopath's back again?”

The whole Avengers team is assembled now. They're all around the table, because it's the only intact thing left that they _can_ be around. Tony's made more coffee.

Fury isn't having any. He's not sitting down either, but standing and pacing back and forth. “Where's Loki now?” he asks.

“He's in the bathroom. He said after last night he really needed a long, hot shower.” Tony throws a grin over to Bruce. “Apparently the Other Guy's got mad skills.”

Bruce heaves a big sigh and buries his head in his hands. 

“So he's _in your bathroom_.” Fury puffs out a big, angry breath. “And he wants to join the Avengers?”

“He says he's got Jotun powers. Thor says that means he can make ice-weapons.” That's putting a good face on it, admittedly. “Hey, we called you, didn't we?” Tony says.

“Well that's one thing anyway.” Fury's got his phone out. “I'm calling for back-up,” he says. “You say Loki doesn't have his full powers? We should be able to secure him then, as long as we get the jump on him.”

“Hold up,” Thor tells him. “My brother said he was here as an ally, did he not? We should at least give him a chance to explain himself...”

“Your _brother_ almost wrecked Manhattan the last time he was here,” Fury says. “He wanted to take over the whole planet. Excuse me Thor, but I don't feel inclined to trust him much. My men will take him into custody. If that's going to hurt your little fee-fees, you'd better get out of here now. Later on if he turns out to be on the level, we'll give him back.”

Thor stands down. He bows his head. “I do not agree with your decision Colonel Fury,” he says, “but I accept it.” And he watches with the rest of them as Loki is surrounded.

Loki for his part, has some choice comments. He wants them all to know how _hopeless_ they are, that they receive the _mighty gift_ of his presence and can only think to lock him up. He wants them to know of all the realms that would be _grateful_ for one such as he. There's Alfheim, and Muspelheim, and some others that Tony can't remember the names of. Any of them would have _understood_ that he spoke truth, Loki says, and it is only poor, foolish Midgard that cannot see it. He doesn't do anything though, but lets himself be taken into custody with the perfect obedience of an angel.

After that, it's a few weeks before they hear from him again, and when they do, it's (surprisingly) on Facebook.

“Esteemed Mr. Stark and assembled Avengers,” reads the message to the Stark Enterprises page. “Pray transmit this message to my adoptive brother. – He is not as quick as I am at adopting your Midgardian modes of communication, but he can _read_ at least (I think). – My dear Thor, you are to be an uncle again. Fortune has smiled on me, and I find myself with child. The father, as I am sure you have guessed, is one of your own, the Green Beast I spent such a pleasant night with after your recent party. My previous children serve the All-Father most faithfully but, as this child was conceived on Midgard, I hope he will be allowed to serve there. Perhaps he can be the Avenger, as your Colonel Fury will not allow me to be. – Or _they_ ,” it continues. “The quickening comes rapidly and strongly. I know not how many precious babes are in there. Yours with all sincerity, Loki Laufeyson.”


	3. The Bedroom on the Southeast Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki comes to live at Stark Towers, and Hulk decides to be a Good Daddy.

“Your brother's knocked up.” That's Steve talking, pure Brooklyn and (for once) no Greatest Generation nicey-niceness about it.

“It is not the first time,” Thor says. “My brother has borne children in the past. The steed Sleipnir, who carries my father Odin is his, and there is the wolf Fenrir.”

“I thought the Other Guy was sterile.” Bruce is mumbling to himself at the same time. “The dose of gamma radiation I got... It's amazing I survived, even with the mutations... I never thought to test my sperm count.”

“Well now, not that it isn't great fun to talk about another guy's _sperm count_... “So you're saying for all you know, there's no reason this couldn't happen?” Tony asks him.

“That I might be able to father a child when I'm er, _not myself_ , yes. But how can Loki be a mother?”

“Loki can change genders,” Thor says. “It was as a female that he mothered Sleipnir and Fenrir.”

“As a female?” asks Bruce.

“As a female _horse_ for the first, as a female _wolf_ for the second.”

“So that means he was probably a female...” Tony looks at Bruce. “ _Was_ he?” he asks. “What did he look like as a big green girl?”

“I don't know.” Bruce buries his head in his hands. “I wasn't there to see. My god, this whole thing's a disaster. The Other Guy's a father, and Loki – Oh god, he's the mother. How can things possibly get any worse?”

The next day, they get a phone call and things get worse. “Collect call from Loki Laufeyson,” – Who even knew they still did collect calls? – “Will you accept the charges?”

“Of course, certainly,” Thor stammers into the handset, which looks like a toy in his big ham-fist. “Brother pray, do speak.”

“Thor? Is that you? Why haven't I heard from you yet, brother?” – Oh yeah. It's not until now that Tony realizes he has the phone on speaker. He's not really sorry, since it allows him to hear the whole conversation. “I don't mind so much for myself,” Loki is saying plaintively, “but I hoped you'd think of the child. He is your nephew. Or she. ...Or perhaps _they_.”

“Brother,” Thor stammers, “I...”

“Do not say that you will not forgive me? And that you will allow the child to be born in prison? Such a humiliation for one who is almost a grandson of the All-Father? ...Or a granddaughter?”

“I... No” –

“Your Colonel Fury has said that I may leave this prison provided you will give assurance that I do no harm. I promise you brother, I will not. I merely want to have my babe in peace.”

“And besides of course, the father should be there.” Bruce looks sick-to-the-stomach, but he also looks resolved. “This baby is mine ...or sort of mine.”

This is how Loki comes to live at Stark Towers. He has the big room on the on the southeast corner of the penthouse (because there's the most space for the baby). Thor gets the room on one side of his, because he promised Fury he'd watch out for him, and Bruce gets the one on the other side, because he's the father. Of course Tony's got to stay there too, because he has to make sure the penthouse isn't destroyed again. Pepper's not too pleased about that. But that's ...kind of okay, because ever since the night of the party, Tony's been thinking maybe it's time to have a talk with his girlfriend. And Steve thinks so too. He was already staying at the Tower of course, him not having any other way of supporting himself besides being a 70-years-past superhero and all. Tony's staying in his room.

What's disturbing, is that the _Other Guy_ , has decided he wants to be a Good Daddy. He's coming out even when Bruce isn't mad, and when he does, he always wants to check up on Loki. 

“Hulk _big_.” He thumps his chest like King Kong, then casts a worried look at the rapidly swelling demigod. “Puny god not big enough to give birth to Hulk-babies.”

Loki turns a shade paler at the thought of it. “Perhaps they'll take after your Other Self...” He catches his breath, then moans, pressing his hand to his stomach. “Uggh, they're moving again. These babes kick worse than Sleipnir.” Sure enough as he speaks, there is very visible movement across the mound of his stomach. It is ...kind of creepy to look at, but Tony figures looking has got to be better than feeling it. “Perhaps I'll get lucky and die.” 

“You no say that!” Hulk grabs Loki in a giant squeeze. “No even talk about die! – Hulk _smash_!”

“Now now,” Tony's thinking about his penthouse. “No one's going to die here, big fella. No one's even talking about dying.” To Loki, “you've never thought about having those babies on Asgard, have you?” he says. “Best healers in all the Nine Realms, or so I've heard.”

“Actually... that... would be the ...Vanir.” Loki heaves a pained breath. “These children's time grows short,” he says. “I fear my confinement will be soon. Hold me – Oh, Thor my brother, hold me!”

“NOOOOO!!!” Hulk roars again. “Nobody hold puny god, nobody but Hulk! HULK SMA-AAA-AAASH!!!”

It turns out the kid comes even sooner than Loki expected. They're at dinner – And hoo boy, does that guy pack it away right now! You thought watching Thor eat was bad? – when Loki starts up. “The child...” He clutches his stomach. “...It comes.” He runs down the hall toward his bedroom.

Banner, who was eating, of course Hulks up immediately and follows him. “Puny god no strong enough bear Hulk-babies,” he yells. “Hulk _help_!”

Yeah, want to lay bets how that'll work out? The one of them who actually has experience delivering kids is Hulked away inside now, of course. But when they all follow Hulk into Loki's room, they find the demigod popping the things out just like puppies. He's morphed into a female to do it. – “I don't want to think,” she gasps, “...where they'd have come out of if I hadn't.”

Pop, pop: One, two, three, four, ...and five? Holy shit, that's a lot of Hulk-babies! They're all green just like their old man, but they're small, smaller than real babies even. And... “You'd better go,” Loki tells them. “You do _not_ want to see how I feed these things.”

She's right, Tony thinks, he doesn't. And neither do the others, judging from the way they scuttle out of there. Loki's mocking words follow them down the hall. “Cowards,” she says. I've birthed far stranger beasts than these. Your ancestors did not turn away from me for it, no, they worshiped me. – Worshiped me! What pitiable creatures Midgard breeds these days. – Except for you of course, Hulk dear,” she adds quickly, right before the big guy can start in again about smashing.


	4. Five Little Hulkis and How They Grew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers, worried at the prospect of Loki and Hulk raising children alone, steps in to help.

The babies grow fast. First they start crawling, then they start walking, and then they start _jumping_. Pretty soon there's nowhere you can go in the penthouse to get away from them. It's about then that Clint stops coming by. He says he'd never have signed on with the Avengers if he'd known it would end with him playing Mary Poppins to a bunch of little green monsters. Stark prefers to think of them as Hulkis. It ...helps keep him sane. He can't leave of course. He doesn't like to think what would happen to the penthouse if he did. Instead, he gets treated to the disturbing spectacle of everyone's favorite Liesmith as a proud Mommy, and the Biggest, Greenest Monster on Earth, as a _very_ proud Daddy.

Thor's there too. He takes easily to the role of Uncle, and the looks of all his Nieces and Nephews doesn't seem to bother him a bit. ...but then when you've already been Uncle to a horse and some wolf-cubs, you probably get to where you can handle anything. He's very indulgent with the sugary treats (like the kids need _more_ energy), and he wants to teach them combat. Loki teaches them magic. As for Hulk, he doesn't teach them anything, but he's always there ready to smash anyone else that tries.

Any day, you can walk into the nursery and see one little Hulki magic the pacifier out of another one's mouth, then laugh when he starts to cry. If you're lucky, you won't be the one who's mouth the damn thing is magicked _into_. And if you are? Well let's just say there's a reason why Tony's taken to wearing the suit around the house. They magic their own videos into the DVD-player (Winnie the Pooh is a big favorite), and conjure themselves new toys and whatever they want to eat. – But not new diapers, if you can wrap your mind around that. Apparently being dirty doesn't bother them.

Then one morning one of them conjures himself into the Captain America-suit, and Cap decides he's had enough. “Listen, Dr. Banner:” – Fortunately Bruce is “out” right now. – “You're going to have to leave for a while,” he says. “We need to get the children trained, and the Other Guy isn't helping.”

“Leave?” Bruce has never lost that sick look on his face (not that he's been out much for them to see it lately). “You really think the Other Guy will let me?”

Cap glares.

“All right, I'll go. – Hey, maybe SHIELD's repaired that plane with the cage by now.”

“The children are growing fast,” says the Captain. “I don't think we'll need much time to get them old enough to where we can trust them.”

“The children are my brother's.” Now it's Thor interrupting. “Do you really think that's ever going to happen?”

Cap shakes his head. “The children are _American citizens_. They deserve a right to prove themselves. I'll raise them,” he says. “I seem to be the only one who understands what's good for them.”

After that, it's liver and spinach three times a day and regular bedtimes for all of them. The kids get regular sunbaths (with nothing on; it's ...a little bit disturbing). They get calisthenics in the mornings, and lessons in the afternoons. Cap takes them to the Central Park Zoo, – There is a little bit of trouble there over some aardvarks who end up in the grizzly bear cage, and two Hulkis who climb up on the roof with one of the gorillas, but it's nothing a little Stark endowment-money can't cover up. – and to the Met (he says the Museum of Modern Art has bad values). He takes them to see The Nutcracker in December. – And after that all the Hulki's decide they want to be ballet-dancers, and for the next month and a half, Tony has to keep recalibrating all the instruments on the lower floors, whenever one of them tries a Grand Jete. About a year later, he enrolls them in school.

Loki sniffles a little. “My babies are growing up.” 

Everyone else, just cringes for the school.

It's not long before they start getting calls from five different teachers: “Your little boy broke the Jungle Gym.” “Your little girl magicked all the cafeteria food into ice cream.” – “Your little boys are on the roof again.” They start bringing home grades: The first time, everyone gets all A's in everything, including Calculus and Theoretical Physics, which aren't on the Kindergarten curriculum. After that, the Captain takes them aside for a lecture on “Honesty is the Best Policy.” Then Loki takes them aside for another lesson on “Not Getting Caught.” After that their grades at least _look_ like the ones they should be getting. 

The three who take after their mother, get A's in everything but PE, and the two who take after their dad get A's only in PE, and invitations to join any team in the school district plus a few professional ones. Cap makes them turn down all of them. He says they need to focus on their studies. With him in charge, the boys join Little League and the Boy Scouts (where they break records for fastest climb to the top of a mountain, and make Eagle Scout in record time because they figure a way to game the system). The girls join 4H (and have to hide the fact that they're constantly magicking their lambs to be the fattest, or their cakes to be the tallest and fluffiest, and bringing home all the blue ribbons at the Fair). He dresses the girls with pigtails and little dirndl-dresses even after they hit puberty, and he dresses the boys in neckties and wool trousers.

When they reach adulthood, Cap takes all of them down to register to vote, and signs the boys up for the Selective Service. He actually cries a little when the littlest boy-Hulki wins a Civics award from the Chamber of Commerce. He says the Hulki's are a credit to their upbringing. Loki says the same thing too which, weirdly enough, doesn't set off alarm-bells with either of them.

Loki wants the kids to take after him and go into World Domination. Hulk wants them to take after him and smash things. – The Captain hopes at least one of them will join the Army. Instead, they all rebel and go into medical school like Daddy Bruce. Three of them have the grades to get in, one conjures his grades up to the right level, and one of them _terrifies_ the examining committee into letting him in (Loki is very proud). They graduate and become doctors, and then go off to practice medicine in the furthest away, neediest countries they can find. It is ...probably the only way that many Hulkis can make a _positive_ contribution to the world (although Tony hears there are higher-ups in the government who never do forgive them for not letting themselves be experimented on).

The house feels kind of empty without them. Tony marries Cap and they move to his Malibu home, where at least they've got You and Dummy to keep them company. Clint marries Natasha, and Thor (of course) marries Jane Foster. After years of swearing up and down that he never wants to see Hulk, or anyone related to Hulk again, Loki unexpectedly marries Bruce. They move to Jotunheimr, which needs good medical care even more than Calcutta, and what's more it doesn't matter if Bruce Hulks out once in a while, because the locals there are big enough to defend themselves. Tony hears that Loki also goes back to wearing his Jotun form. He wonders sometimes, what their children look like. Teal, he's thinking; a nice combination of blue and green. Once Loki sends pictures, but they're so brain-hurting no one can get a good look at them.

And that's pretty much the end of the story. Everyone who deserves to, lives happily ever after. Everyone who doesn't deserve to, also lives happily ever after. This has been your reporter Tony Stark, coming to you live from the studio at Stark Towers. Good night, and thank you for listening. Stay tuned for _Little Orphan Annie_ , coming up next (The Captain told me to say that).


End file.
